"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker." 
-Woody Allen.

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." 
-Rodney Dangerfield.

"Ah, yes, divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet." 
-Robin Williams.

"A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people
remembering the same thing." 
-Duane Dewel.

"When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one
that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad." 
-Helen Rowland

"I have never really understood this liking for war. It panders to
instincts already well catered for in any respectable domestic establishment."
-Alan Bennett

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat
in Europe." 
-Jackie Mason

"Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the
hope of pulling out an eel." 
-Leonardo Di Vinci.

"I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like
and give her a house." 
-Lewis Grizzard.

"I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to
whom it may concern." 
-Mickey Rooney.

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." 
-Rodney Dangerfield.

"The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money." 
-Johnny Carson