An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers after the plane has taken off, and forgets to turn off the intercom. He said to the co-pilot, "I think I'll go take a dump and then put the make on that new blonde stewardess."
The stewardess hears it, and runs up the aisle to tell him the intercom is still on. She trips and falls in her haste.
A little old lady looks down at her and says, "There's no rush, honey. He said he had to take a dump first."

A car breaks down along the motorway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the motorway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.
The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. One of the worst pile-ups in history occurs.
When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"

Three men are on a plane. They open a window and one throws an orange out. The other throws out an apple. The Third throws out a hand grenade.
After getting off of the plane, they see a boy crying. They ask what's wrong, and he replies, "An apple hit me in the head!"
They see another boy crying. He says, "An orange hit me in the head!" Then they see a boy rolling on the sidewalk laughing.
They asked why he was laughing, and he replied, "I farted and my house blew up!"

The work of a certain timid but thorough law clerk was valued for its precision, so soon he was making money to buy himself a nice imported sports car.
Not long afterwards he had the misfortune to get lost in the worst part of town, and when he stopped at a red light a huge, mean son-of-a-bitch hauled him out of the driver's seat.
Drawing a circle around him on the pavement, the hoodlum told him not to set foot out of it unless he wanted the shit beat out of him. The delinquent proceeded to demolish the car, starting with the headlights and windows, when he heard the law clerk giggling.
He moved on to the body and engine, but in between crashes he couldn't help hearing gales of laughter.
Finally, crowbar in hand, he came over to his victim and demanded, "What you laughing about? Your fancy car's never gonna run again."
"So?" the clerk gasped helplessly, tears running down his face. "Ever since you started tearing up my car, I've been stepping in and out of this circle, in and out, in and out..."

There was an old man who always rode his bike to his brother's house every weekend. It took him 2 hours and he alway's made it by there by 2PM.
One day he tried to make it in 1 hour. Collapsing on a hill from exhaustion, while sitting there, a Corvette pulls up and asks him if he needs a ride. The man looks at his watch and sees he would be late if not, but there is already a passenger, so he asks how?
"No problem," says the man in the corvette, "I've got a rope in the back and we'll tie your bike to the back bumper and you can ride."
The man says, "Ok!"
They take off and the driver yells back, "Just yell BEEP BEEP if I'm going to fast." No problem the man thinks. They come to an Intersection and a Ferrari pulls up, the man's eye's widen in fright
. Sure enough, the light changes and THEIR OFF! Anyway, the guy made it to his brothers on time and the Vette lost.
Meanwhile, at the local police dept... "Hey guys the weirdest thing just happened to me. A Ferrari and a 'Vette just lost me at over 120 mph on Main Street."
"What's so weird about that?" asks the other cops. The first cop says, "There was this old guy on a bike behind them screaming BEEP BEEP and trying to pass!"